Introducing another new game: "ABC or Onion News?"

The game is simple, kids!

1.  View story.

2.  Shift uncomfortably in chair.

3.  Guess:  The Onion or ABC?

4.  Prepare to be either relieved or saddened.

5.  Scroll down for answer.

First Round!

Well?  Who is it?

:*(.  Time to go home and resist urge to lop off your neighbor's dog's balls.